Champagne and Oranges

Celebrating successes and learning a few more PTSD survival skills along the way is what I've been motivating myself with recently. Champagne, well, Prosecco actually, was a great success. I was at a girls night and a bottle just needed to be opened. Of course it did. My friend took the wire off and was struggling to remove the cork. The popping of a bottle cork has been known to make me jump and trigger lots of gunshot related memories. Previously, I would avoid being the person to open a bottle and would be very tense watching it happen. Seeing her struggle while not even feeling slightly anxious or cautious, I picked up the bottle, popped the cork, and poured a glass. No cringing, jumping, worrying, panicking or remembering. Just normal. Funny thing is, we haven't even covered the gunshot stories in our therapy sessions yet.

Nighmares, I've been nightmare and bad dream free for over 3 weeks now! This is some kind of a record for me and feels like a miracle. Can't explain how good it feels not to wake feeling chased and very frightened. I've had a persistent nightmare for years. Maybe decades. Same theme of being frightened and chased, sometimes a few variations in the surrounding details. A few weeks ago during a therapy session I was telling one of my Falklands Invasion day stories to Sam the TIR therapist. While listening to myself speaking, I realised that particular story was the root of the nightmare. Since then the nightmare has totally gone. What a huge relief. Makes the bravery of facing the story and telling it totally worthwhile.

Telling these stories and facing my traumatic memories has stirred up other things in my head too. I'm reassured that it is a totally normal part of the head rewiring process an that it will improve.

I'm having more flashbacks but only from stories that are yet to be dealt with. The memories that have been through the storytelling process are all calm. Phew. That feels so very good too. My grounding technique after a flashback is to peel an orange using all of my senses. Hear the peel tearing. Feel the skin and the different textures of the fruit. Smell the oil and the orange. Taste it and think about it while eating. Works for me. Most of the time.

There have been a few of the more robust type of flashback. I call them showstoppers, that require more calming and recovery. But, at the end of the day, they're just flashbacks. My past can not hurt me any more.

Other PTSD symptoms that are stronger at the moment would be hyper vigilance, feeling fairly jumpy. Unless Prosecco corks are involved! Absent mindedness. Sometimes the simplest tasks take plenty of thought. Sequencing a few thoughts is just plain hard work.

But, I have hope. This process of addressing my traumatic memories head on and telling the stories until the sting has totally gone is bearing results already. The journey is going to be a long one, but, it is not pointless.