On the day of the Invasion, 02 April 1982, Falklands Radio did an amazing job of keeping us all informed about how far the Argentines had got and what they were up to. Between the reports they played music. Some of the songs e.g. "Strangers in the Night" and "Yesterday" gave us listeners a bit of a smile in the darkness.
You can actually hear a recording of Falklands Radio from that terrible day here:
https://youtu.be/agX45iQ1lP8
Other songs, when I hear even a small snippet of them, take me right back into the moment with all of the emotions and feelings of that time - be it Invasion Day or some other horrible event I have associated it with. Music is both a big trigger for me and hard to avoid. Music is everywhere and really gets stuck in my head.
Carolyn Spring explains triggers rather well:
"A trigger is a reminder, conscious or unconscious, of a traumatic event. It's something that sets off the alarm system in the body and brain to prepare us for a threat."
Then Vienna Pharaoa goes on to say "Avoiding triggers isn't healing. Healing happens when you're triggered and you're able to move through the pain, the pattern and the story - and walk your way to a different ending."
In my PTSD therapy this week, I was working through a traumatic incident with a musical connection. Sam's suggested homework is to listen to triggering songs so much that they loose their power.
So I have made a start. Day 1. Decided to get brave and do this. Found the offending songs on Spotify and put them in my listening library. Planned to start listening tomorrow. Day 2. Chose the toughest song. Listened to the first half of it. Head was filled with all the same thoughts and feelings from the day. I was feeling afraid. Beginning to panic. I stopped the song. Closed the app. Abandoned my phone and distracted myself by getting involved in something else. Day 3. Listened to the song 3 times through before I had to stop because it was just too hard to hear any more. While listening I was working hard on either listening to the complexity of the music or focussing on the words. Divide and conquer is the way forward in this. I Googled the lyrics and had a good look at them. Then found a write up on the songwriter and meaning of the song. Day 4. Feeling brave I put the song on repeat while making Sunday lunch. Listened to it all over and over again. I found myself singing along. Got totally bored of hearing it. Turned it off. One down, several others to go. I've got a good technique here. On the subject of triggers, I have plenty others to get sorted, including some food triggers. Just the smell of some things cooking is enough to take me right back, and don't get me started on corned beef. Then there's tattoos. Even in writing this I'm feeling a bit threatened by the prospect of confronting it.
Head and shoulders growing tight. Hunching over. Breathe.
Some types of tattoos have a frightening hold over me and I have still to get to the root of it all.
It's just ink on skin - right?
So far I have managed to identify the two styles of tattoo that are so bothersome and the probable incidents linked to them. This is progress. More things on my therapy list. And finally for today, not a trigger, I'm considering my blog name. I'm thinking of changing it to something like "Fearless Fi overcoming PTSD". I want my identity to be that of a victorious and thriving, strong woman. Still at the thinking stage, but it's on my radar.
Thanks for reading this.
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