It's been a tough 10 days in my head. During my most recent therapy session a particularly nasty memory monster reared its ugly head. Its strength took me totally by surprise.
These memories are of something particularly nasty that I witnessed during the war. The whole incident probably lasted less than a couple of minutes. But what horrendous minutes they were. The incident has stayed with me, mostly buried in the depths of my traumatic amnesia, for the past almost 4 decades.
10 days of flashbacks, nightmares, intrusive thoughts, triggers blasted in. Big, big, problem.
I've been using all my skills and techniques to sit with it and learn from it. I've been working on grounding, journalling, meditating, and noting down any new information learned.
And yet the bombardment on my head continues. It really is a big problem.
This morning I messaged Sam, he already knew something of the situation. I asked if we can work some more on it during our next scheduled appointment - thankfully just 2 days away.
He replied with that one simple phrase that every client longs to hear from their therapist "No problem."
What a relief.
I just sat and stared at those 2 precious words on my phone.
"No problem".
Such hope.
For the past 10 days it has been an enormous problem. The monster has been my constant companion.
Sam could have said so many things in his reply.
He said the best thing of all "No problem".
I know without a shadow of doubt that it will be no problem for Sam. He has the skills and the confidence, in the safe place which is our therapy call, to take me back into that most horrific moment and to help me to see it in a much more comfortable way. It will be hard work for both of us. Through it all though I know that Sam will be sitting listening, watching, noticing, with his un-ruffled calm face.
His "no problem" competence and confidence will result not in a short term fix but a long term solution.
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