Surprised by sadness

( picture: Sorrow by Paul Ruskin)

I thought I had this healing from trauma thing sorted. I’ve attended many powerful therapy sessions. Talked, talked and talked some more. Have processed my learning and am beginning to weave it into my daily life. I’m feeling good about myself, strong, positive.

Then suddenly, sadness. I’m hurting for the girl who was hurt more than 3 decades ago. Feeling fragile, weak, bruised, violated… Sad. So very sad. Crying huge gaspy tears from the core of me. It’s been a heavy weight to carry alone, and I have finally shared it. If it was more recent, perhaps I could have been more public about it. (As if a blog isn’t public enough!) The “haven’t you got over it yet” brigade would have a field day with this for sure. Hugs help, but the effects soon fade. Gin and chocolate – nope, those false friends don’t even touch it. It seems that all of the lessons I’ve been learning over the past months have been getting me ready for this moment. It’s actually a very good place to get to. It means that I really am moving forward. I have sufficiently come to terms with my past, taken ownership of it all, that I can feel emotional about it. I’m recognizing that the next stage in this healing journey is grief. What would Sam say?

Sit with the pain.

Learn from it.

It will pass.

I'm sitting, learning, waiting ...