For ages I haven't felt like blogging. Still don't, but writing the words down often gives some order to the muddle in my head.
Telling that huge trauma incident story a few weeks ago definitely left much dust to settle. Thoughts to process. Memories to explore and put to rest. My head, although still feeling shaken, some days worse than others, is, thankfully, gradually calming in a comfortable way:
Still no nightmares.
Lots of fairly undisturbed sleep.
Only one large, plus a smaller, flashback since big story day, 26th Sept.
Interesting thing about that large flashback - for the first time ever the emotion attached to it was sadness, tearful sadness. All previous flashbacks have been accompanied with feelings of fear/panic/horror. Sadness is new.
I'm feeling more confident in some areas that there had previously been anxieties. So refreshing.
If I return in my mind to the stories that I worked through in my early days with "Sam" and the storytelling therapy, I find very little or no pain there. They are flat memories. Moved out of my head's trauma file and into the much more stable long-term memories file, still under the category of horrible, but no longer troubling me as they once did.
Phew!
How am I feeling?
I actually have no idea. Still a bit panicky. Sometimes exceedingly hypervigilant. Numb? Meh? Cautiously optimistic. Definitely in need of lots of hugs and support.
I'm in transition, tiptoeing across a fairly slippery cattlegrid - or as we call them in the Falklands "passaliebre". Some days, hours, are good, and I can confidently walk on the metal and make progress. There are so many holes to fall into between the metal. But, I'm learning the skill of getting out of them without staying too stuck for too long.
I'm aware that the passaliebre is wide and I still have a way to go to get to the other side. I will get there and when I do, I will go skipping off down the road!
Comments