I have a superpower - its called dissociation.
Some of the things that happened to me, or that I witnessed, were so terrible that my unplanned strategy was to dissociate. I blocked it out of my consciousness. I stowed it all away in storage boxes at the back of my mind, far from daily life.
More than that, when it was too painful to be me anymore, I became other versions of myself. The real me was put in one of those storage boxes too. In a bizzare type of victim protection scheme, I gave myself new identities just to cope with being alive.
Dissociation is a brilliant survival mechanism. Its a true superpower. Dissociation held me together until I was in a safe place with all that I need to deal with the trauma and to let the real me emerge.
Safe place means somewhere non-threatening. Somewhere to open up and remember what happened. To not be afraid. More than that to not be afraid of being afraid. To have a calm faced, well trained, safe person to talk with. To be able to relax, breathe, remember.
Everything changed when Sam and I started working together. He provides me with that very safe place to talk, think, learn, make decisions and grow.
It is the same routine with remembering all of my incidents. At first there were just a few details gleaned from a flashback or a half memory that came while being triggered. Then, through telling the story over and over again, more details emerged. I could see the whole picture. Could remember how it felt, smelled, the sounds.
Now they are my stories. Not frightening incidents. Not blocked away in the back of my mind where I didn't dare to go. I can look at them if I want to and not feel afraid.
The superpower protected me until just the right time.
The real Fiona was stored away too. Other versions of me ran the show. I outsourced all responsibilities to different identities. This is a brilliant survival mechanism and one that is quite common amongst those of us unfortunate enough to experience big trauma during childhood.
There was super organised me.
Bossy me.
Frightened me.
Gloomy me.
Angry me.
Anxious me.
Sunshiney me ...
Each were parts of the whole person who didn't dare to come out if there was any sense of vulnerability or danger.
So, what now?
Who am I when I'm not using my superpower any more?
I don't need to dissociate because I'm safe now. I understand that what happened to me was in the past. Now is a safe place. My past can't hurt me any more.
Sam and I are working through a process where we meet each of my dissociated identities and listen to them, learn from them and release them to integrate into me as a whole, complete person.
I'm safe. It's time to begin standing on my own feet now and walking alone.
I'm beginning an exciting journey of discovering who I am when my life isn't ruled by PTSD and its numming side effects. I get to make me own choices from a perspective of freedom rather than fear.
Who is Fiona? I don't actually know, but I'm enjoying finding out.
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